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Archive for June, 2019

Taking it easy

I was two hours from home and the end of one of my best vacations ever and decided to stop for one last meal at a down-home diner, to extend the trip just a bit.

I had my mouth set on a jalapeño burger from the Bell Buckle Cafe when I pulled off the interstate and took the back roads to get there.

But I forgot the RC Cola and Moon Pie Festival was that day and the town was crawling with people. So I moved on to Shelbyville and found Pope’s Cafe on the square.

There’s something about a cafe near a courthouse that guarantees there will be good food there.

The cheeseburger was great. Pope’s did not disappoint. But the jackass who pulled in to the parking spot next to mine after I went in did.

I could not open the driver’s door wide enough to squeeze in. Granted, I am a big boy, but this dipshit had pulled in with the front tires turned 90 perpendicular to the line, wedging the car into the spot. Whoever was driving was alone or with one really skinny friend.

My first instinct was to kick their car hard enough to dent it. But it was broad daylight and folks were walking by. Besides, I had foot surgery last fall and I don’t want to go through that again.

So I got in the passenger seat of my car and stewed. It took a few minutes for me to realize I could still turn my car on and roll down the windows to let the breeze in while I waited for the jackass to return.

I pushed the button to turn on the power and sat.

What am I going to say to this guy? Will I get in a fight? What if it’s a woman? The possibilities played through my head.

I opened the car door and tried to shimmy across the arm rest and gear shift into the driver’s seat, but, like I said, I’m a big boy and that didn’t work.

So I sat and stewed some more. It seemed like an hour passed, but it was really only 5 minutes. Five really long minutes.

To start my car (it’s a RAV4, so technically an SUV), you need to press the brake while pushing the power button.

If only I had a stick, I could press the brake and back out enough to open the driver’s door.

I scanned the sidewalk. No stick. I sat some more.

Don’t I have an umbrella on the floor in the back? I felt around. Ice scraper. Not long enough. Light jacket, not sturdy enough. I finally got out and opened the back door. There was the umbrella.

I got back in and started the car. My RAV4 has a back-up camera, so I was able to see where I was going and I started to inch the car out. Who knew city squares were so busy? After another minute, I was able to back out far enough to open the driver’s door.

As I settled in to the driver’s seat, I grabbed the pen from the console and a napkin that was on the passenger seat, planning to write “You Park Like An Asshole” on it and leave it on the windshield. I decided they probably already know they park like an asshole. Hell, I drive like an asshole most of the time and it doesn’t bother me.

So I put the pen down and headed home.

Did I mention I had a really great vacation?

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